Strength Through Music

what happened…

I still have no fucking idea what went down. first, Kayla my wallet is in your car…I sorta need that (can you drop it off at Kaitlin’s tomorrow morning?). Then, if yohana texts any of you let her know im back, that’s all.

well there was a lot of arguing, blaming, shouting…you get the picture. I was blamed for a lot and was called many names. Apparently, they “know” what’s going on. They’re not gonna accept it and neither are they gonna tolerate it. They kept asking “why can’t you wait? etc, etc.” and I gave the same answer: It’s what I need for myself this isn’t abrupt, it has been gradually boiled up to an in supportable level.They’re fine with me coming out to the rest of the family (I don’t get that). They don’t get it neither do they very much want to try to understand. The whole “family” comes first was brought up. There’s so much pressure on me that me leaving really would fuck up everything. I was guilt-tripped. “Giving up” all that has been worked for is not the right thing to do. I am a screw up and somehow I need to do what’s right and think of others. I am extremely financially dependent and leaving would leave me with nothing. Then there’re the whole comparing my dad and I. The whole thing was being taken personally and they thought I was attacking them at times. She kept telling me “to think for fucks sake.” I don’t get that because I’m not a stupid individual. Obviously, they think something is extremely wrong psychologically with me. Also, they think someone is influencing me. They have no idea where my “thoughts” are coming from. Also they apparently know what I think and feel. I however do not respect them. They’re not gonna loosen up at the “house” in anyways but they said to go a head and do my thing. 

It was all over the place. In the end I said I would stay for many reasons. some of which I don’t remember. One being that yes I depend on them so much i’m screwed. Two, “hurting” the family just like my dad did is something I hate. I don’t want to be like him. Three, they’re ok with me coming out and regardless of what they do they’ve acknowledged that they know I will change in college. However, I plan on starting hormones this summer  regardless of they’re rules.

I don’t know what is going on.

I’m back at the “house” but things are differently. They know I’m here but they won’t accept it. That’s alright. I’m exhausted. They don’t understand and are so closed minded. I’m safe though. I hate this very much. 

Staying is the right thing to do. I fucking hate that. It’s true. I don’t know what will happen now. I don’t know how things will go. Leaving is not an option and I’m not sucking it up. I’m moving on. I’ll get shredded but my hopes for summer to end have never been so great.

I don’t know where this is going.

Thank you both so much for everything. you are both amazing and I owe you a lot, really. Honestly, I value your support more than anyone else, no matter what they say. Also, thank you for taking that bullshit over the phone. I don’t know how you did it but somehow you did. I love you both so much.

talk about change, man.

I graduated on Friday and that was good. Overall it was great and I’m experiencing a lot of relief. This weekend wasn’t the best because I had family over and my parents invited family friends to the house. This meant I had to pretend everything was alright. I also had to lie a whole bunch because, well, it’s not like I can be honest with these people. They all have a different view of me. That doesn’t bother me much. They aren’t really important people in my life. So I don’t care.

I hung out with some friends after graduation and we spend the whole night/morning out. It was a blast. My only issue was being misgendered what felt like 200 times. I’m dealing with it though. Nevertheless, it was such a great moment because I felt like I was closer to feeling like myself, than any other previous days.

I’m also excited for this summer. Now that I don’t have to deal with the school I went to and the people there I already feel better. It’s a tremendous relief.

Despite the great excitement I am also not looking forward to many things. I’m really feeling the whole “adult responsibility’ thing as I’m making some serious decisions. As sad as it sounds, I’m even mentally preparing myself to be kicked out of my house and maybe, but not hopefully, even to be disowned by my family. Both are huge possibilities. But you never know. I hope nothing happens. If it does, I’ll just have to keep moving along.I have people I can stay with until I figure things out and I have bus routes figured out so that I can still keep my job. At this point my job is a crucial part. With it I can get the needs I have met and hopefully sustain myself enough to make it through the summer. I’m also starting to prepare in case I won’t be able to go to college in the fall. If things fall with my family then I’ll have to find a full-time job and take things from there. Back-up plans are in the makings.

All of this doesn’t bother me much, though. I mean all of these situations are extremely heavy and serious but I’m at the point where I will sacrifice anything in order to be myself. I just want to live my life for fuck’s sake.

On a lighter note, this Thursday I’m going to a concert with some awesome friends. We’re all excited and I can’t wait to jump around and enjoy something that’s very important to me. Lately, music has kept my spirit up. Last night I found some concerts from MyChem and watching them made me happy. Fleet Foxes have constantly been playing in my car. And I have Somewhere Over the Rainbow stuck in my head a lot. Ha, it really is a good song. 

referring back to my last post, today I saw so many trees today I was super excited. I drove through part of the Natchez Trace parkway and it was amazing. It was the best way to conclude high school. I love spending time with the two individuals I went with. They are just amazing. One specifically makes life worth living. Ah, I had an amazing day. It’s days like this that make life worth living.